I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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