R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
