i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
