Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
