The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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