it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
