literally had 100 drinks last night.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
