some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
you will always have a special place in my vag
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
