Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
