my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
