Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
