Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
