how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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