Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
