I'm jealous of your bromance
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
