In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
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