Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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