I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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