It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Randomize
