I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
