Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
