Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Randomize
