you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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