and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
