She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
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Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Congratulations! We have a period
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