I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
