i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Randomize
