look no pants
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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