if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
