oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
