We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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