and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
