I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
