i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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