well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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