Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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