He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
