I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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