I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Is it penis luge time yet?
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
