I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Randomize
