I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
