that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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