Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
drinking out of a sandbucket again
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
