i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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