Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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