I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
