Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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