That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
