I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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