I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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